[Keeping this short for you, CC! Sort of.]

If you haven’t heard, apparently there is going to be some sort of “Super” “Bowl” sporting event going on this upcoming weekend. I think it even may be on Sunday …

Okay, that’s just the bitter [read: jealous] Jets fan in me. As you know because it’s impossible to avoid, this weekend, the NFL Championship Game, aka The Super Bowl, features Tom Brady and the New England Patriots against Eli Manning and the New York Football Giants.

Now with sporting events, there are all sorts of predictions, from who will the game to who will score the first points to which commercials will be the best. I hear people even wager on such outcomes, although far be it from to me to partake in such wayward and sinful activities. [*cue lightning bolt*]

Of course, Super Bowl predictions are nothing new. In 1969, Joe Willie Namath became an NFL legend for not only guaranteeing that the Jets were going to win in Super Bowl III over the heavily favored Baltimore Colts, but going out and making it happen. Of course, I was only a wee lad when it happened, but it still sweetens my currently bitter heart to think about.

As far as this year’s game, everyone and their video game have predicted the outcome. Even cute puppies have had their say. [*insert sickly sweet “Awww,” followed by projectile vomiting*]

Well, since everyone is so eager to predict what’s going to happen, I thought I’d go against the grain (as usual). Rather than try to prognosticate what will happen on Sunday, here are:

My Top 14 Predictions Of What Will NOT Happen at The Super Bowl

(Anyone can do a top 10, and because the interwebz are so competitive, I’ve got to have something to set me apart. Obviously, a Top 14 should shoot me to the top. Now, let the pigeons loose!!!)

14. Madonna’s lip-synching will NOT be worse than the Black-Eyed Peas lip-synching was last year. You know, unless she starts lip-synching Black-Eyed Peas’ songs.

13. The New England Patriots will NOT be saved by a snow plow, the tuck rule or zero. Nor will they be saved by The Bell, which means Nomi Malone will NOT be going crazy ninja stripper on anyone. [link NSFW—adults only!]

12.  Unless they’re shown being turned into the glue that will better hold William Shatner’s toupee in place during Priceline ads, the Budweiser Clydesdales will NOT be nearly as entertaining as the ads by Jerry Seinfeld and Matthew Broderick.

11. The cast of “Jersey Shore” will NOT be sober for the entirety of the game …. and NOT a single damn will be given.

10. Kelly Clarkson will NOT have a wardrobe malfunction, unless you count her spanx possibly giving way during “… and the land of the free!”

9. Of the billion fans or so watching the game at home, NOT one will intentionally reach for the low-calorie chili dip, rice cakes slathered with celery-infused hummus or a fabulous lite beer brewed from the sparkly vapors of unicorn farts.

8. The Giants’ cheerleaders will NOT keep their outfits on if the team wins. (Actually, this one is  an ironclad guarantee. Take it to the bank!)

7. Jerry Sandusky will NOT be shot out of a cannon and into a spikey pit filled with lions, tigers, angry badgers and a ravenous Roseanne Barr. Although he should be.

6. NY Jets head coach Rex Ryan will NOT be having the wedge salad this weekend.

5. New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick will NOT be wearing anything more fashionable than what the team water boy—or anyone living in a van down by the river—will be wearing.

4. Joe Namath will NOT be kissing Suzy Kolber.

Man, that’s still hard to watch.

3. Following the game, I will NOT be on the season premiere of “The Voice.” Neither will be my wife, my sister Joan, Senor Smoke, Iron Mike Tyson or Charro.

2. Morganna the Kissing Bandit will NOT be running out on the field to plant a wet one on Giants quarterback Eli “Aw shucks” Manning, because no one wants to see a 65-year-old lady trip and break a hip after falling over what’s left of her formerly size-60 breasts.

1. The New York Jets will NOT win the game. Actually, considering the participants—AFC East arch nemesis Pats and the “cross-stadium” rival New York Giants—it’s actually safe to say that I can *guarantee* the Jets (and their fans) will be the biggest losers when the game is over.

I hope you at least you enjoy the game.