Jul 022012
 

Okay, as a True American, I will be busy this week celebrating the birth of the greatest nation on Earth by engaging in Constitutionally protected activities such as eating lots of greasy cheese-covered hamburgers, watching other people injure themselves while they try to blow stuff up and (if I had a gun) shooting things.

But before I fully engage in the revelry that is my birthright as a native of this fine nation, I thought I’d exercise another one of my basic freedoms—of speech—to share with you:

Ten Things I Love About America!

1. Last time I checked, this was still an option (crank it up and leave it on while you read!):

2. Freedom! I don’t take it for granted for one second that we have the right to say what we want, worship—or not—worship how we want, or generally live how we see fit as long as I don’t infringe upon the rights of others. Want to dress up and live your life like a vampire, fabulous! Want to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Ramen!), feel free. Want to live in a (properly registered) van down by the river, fine. Want to blow things up, either on TV or at home this week? Bombs away! Want to have a blog where you regularly do and say stupid things? No problem, go right ahead! Yay!

3. Rednecks!

Obviously, I’m not down with the hate, racism and bigotry aspects of the stereotype, but the fact that the U.S. is a place tolerant of all groups, cultures and proclivities makes it awesome. Besides, there’s plenty of qualities of Deep South that help make us a more diverse nation and that I find to be entertaining, you know, like Jeff Foxworthy, NASCAR, “Hillbilly Handfishin‘,” and my good ol’ boy, Shelby Stanga. Also, lots of the food—such as real barbecue and fried chicken. Now if we could work on that obesity problem (say swap in the occasional non-deep-fried salad)—oh, and the rampant prejudice—it’d all be good to go!

4. Despite a few well-documented, high-profiles misses, in general, our judicial system works. Now, I’m not saying it’s perfect—far from it in some cases (although even this one works out)—and it could certainly be more efficient, but at least we have a system that despite the charges, guarantees that you will get a day in court to have your say, as opposed to many other places on Earth where you can be accused of imaginary crimes, tried without actual evidence, testimony or logic and summarily executed on the spot.

5. Unlimited access to the internet. Sure, that may not seem like a big deal to some, but better than half the Earth has some sort of restriction—sometimes significant—when it comes to trying to access everything from Facebook and Fark to TheBlogess and Damned Connecticut or even watching ankle sprain fetish videos. (I’m not going looking for any as examples, I just remember them from the ridiculously entertaining “International Sexy Ladies Show” on G4.)

6. Kaitlin Olson.

Kaitlin, Kerri Kenney, Tina Fey, Zooey Deschannel and other smart, quirky, all-American comedian/actresses just remind me that we’re a country that constantly encourage our female population to be whatever they want to be, not what we tell them to be.

We also treat our women like the equal human beings they are. Sadly, again, much of the world can’t make this claim.

7. Despite the media-generated sensationalism and terror-inducing headlines, the United States is among the safest places to live on the planet. Our crime rates are currently at historical lows—seriously, the violent crime rate is below where it was half a century ago—and our police forces are the model for much of the planet in that they actually serve and protect the citizens rather than exist as hired guns to do some tyrant’s bidding as we’ve seen in many countries during the Arab Spring.

Yes, there are bad spots in the country and occasional random acts of violence, but in general, we go about our lives in a peaceful, fear-free manner. No one drives tanks down our streets, throws molotov cocktails through our windows or randomly abducts our family members to never be seen again or be held as a slave on a Thai fishing boat for years.

8. Having choices!

From places to eat to things to do to stuff to buy, America is the Land of Plenty, and as long as you can pay, it’s yours. Think about it: Not only do we have dozens of different supermarket chains and food stores from which to choose, but in each store, there are hundreds of unique brands and products—can you imagine someone from a destitute country like Zimbabwe, North Korea or Afghanistan walking into the local ShopRite just looking for a box of cookies? Oreos, Chips Ahoy, Fig Newtons, Lorna Doones, SnackWells, Pepperidge Farm, Little Debbie, Famous Amos—their brains would a-splode from the options.

And the dizzying array of choices doesn’t just stop at commercial products: hospitals, nursery schools, private schools, colleges, clown colleges, TV channels, movies, music, museums, banks, lawyers, proctologists, phlebotomists, botanists, dentists, construction companies, plumbers, exterminators, nursing homes, funeral homes, crematoriums, cemeteries …

From cradle to grave, the average American enjoys a never-ending smorgasbord of choices. And it is good.

9. Turducken!

Just another example of American ingenuity, which has helped to make this country the capitalist dream that it is. If you have an idea or invention, be it great (like electricity) or not, like wall-mounted singing fish, you can pursue it here and either profit greatly or fail miserably from it. Or in the case of the aforementioned turducken, both succeed (in creating something unique) and fail (at creating something even remotely healthy) in the same fell swoop.

10. Again, freedom of speech. Sure, narrow-minded people who think they know better try to censor others from time to time, but where else (aside from maybe Canada), would people like Matt Stone and Trey Parker be able to mock and celebrate (but mostly mock, and that’s okay) the good ol’ U.S. of A?

Enjoy, but not the original video because of copyright laws, which we respect (when we have lawyers) here in America—

[Not Safe For Work language, of course]

Enjoy the holiday, muthafrakkers!