All right, I felt like I am still on a bit of a roll from the post the other day when I embraced the madness that is the holiday retail season.
In that spirit, I thought I might address the impending fiscal cliff facing the U.S. government that has been bandied about the news so much lately. For the record, I think that like a lot of political “issues,” this situation is probably being overhyped in yet another game of partisan political gamesmanship. Seriously, if you think these guys and gals care about doing right for the U.S. (“us,” ironically) over posturing in a way that’s best for their political careers, then I have a Bigfoot in Saskatchewan that I’d like to sell you! Wake up! These people don’t care a lick about you or I, only your vote, and will ultimately only do what’s best to get re-elected so they can continue to cash in. Period.
That all aside, there is apparently a somewhat major issue that needs to be addressed, and I like to think that I’m all about providing answers rather than just chirping away with the chorus about the problems.
Right now, the President has said “everything is on the table,” and there’s a talk about finding a compromise somewhere between raising taxes and cutting expenses. I’d like to suggest a third course that should be considered. Selling stuff!
Now, I know it’s ludicrous to suggest that the U.S. government starts selling off major assets and landmarks, although I’m betting there’s an entrepreneur or two out there who might be enticed to purchase Death Valley in order to make it a death-themed amusement park! Think about—dark tourism is all the rage, and what’s more macabre than an entire landscape named after death? Put in a museum of death or make it a haunted attraction, offer the opportunity for visitors to actually drop dead from the heat (which is regularly in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit), and I guarantee people will drop top dollar to get into a barren superheated desert!
Hmm… now that I think about it, the kids’ college money is just sitting there …
Anyway, so rather than outright putting up our national assets for sale, I suggest our government take a page out of the professional sports (and rayality) playbook, and offer lucrative sponsorship opportunities. There are thousands of landmarks and “marketing opportunities” out there, so I’m pretty sure we can raise enough funds to fix the debt thing without cutting or taxing.
In fact, to get us started, here are—
Five Potential Corporate Sponsorships for the United States
1. The Washington Monument, Presented by Viagra –
Uh, yeah.
2. The Dirt Devil Tower
I can see the ad campaigns now: “Tower over dirt in your house!” or “The power of the devil compels you … to clean!” or “Avoid close encounters of the dirty kind!” [You can look it up here, kids.]
3. The Depends Hoover Dam
Obviously, Pampers or Huggies could also be interested in this opportunity! I’d also suggest Tampax, but that might just be a bit tacky.
4. The Dr. Scholl’s Statue of Liberty
Hey, Lady Liberty is on her feet all day, so why shouldn’t she be gellin’ like Magellan?
On a side note, that may be simultaneously the worst and greatest tagline from any ad ever—I mean, what the hell does a 16th-century Portuguese explorer who was slaughtered by natives in the South Pacific have to do with podiatric comfort? Sure, it rhymes, and I guess it’s so bad that it’s memorable—like, “Where’s the beef?!”—but they could’ve just as easily gone with “Gellin’ like Sue Ellen” or “Gellin’ like blind Helen.”
5. Old Faithful, by Metamucil
Seriously people, this stuff writes itself! And if I can think of it, how come no one in an actual position of authority has thought of taking advantage of these opportunities yet?
Again, President Obama has said that he’s looking for ideas to resolve this looming crisis, so I suggest you do something for your country by getting off your lazy ass and contacting your local congressperson—or better yet, send them the link to this post—to tell them of this option to help avert a trip off the fiscal cliff.
Remember, as always, I’m here to help!