In case you haven’t heard, according to the Maya, the End Of The World is forecast for this Friday. Oh sure, plenty of learned men, such as my old pal Dr. Kenny Feder, have absolutely debunked the ridiculously misunderstood “prophecy”—science works like that—but you know me. As an old boy scout, I like to be prepared.
As such, here are
The Top 10 Things on My To-Do List Before the End of the World This Friday, December 21, 2012
1. Buy new underwear – You know, like how your mother has warned you to not go out without clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus, the same applies here—no one wants to go out wearing nasty and tattered old undies.
2. Empty the freezer of all ice cream – Although this is something I routinely do on any given week, there’s probably a good chance that there’s going to be issues with power if the world ends, which means no electricity to run refrigerators. Rather than watch all those helpless Klondike bars melt, I might as well put them out of their misery. I’m good like that.
3. Get around to making all those charitable donations — Just in case there’s something to karma/heaven, I should make sure that I have a few extra “pluses” in the “good” column. So, let’s say the checks are in the mail. (Just don’t cash anything until Saturday, thanks!)
4. Print out that email from Salma Hayek — The one where she tersely said, “Not unless you were the last man on Earth.” May come in handy on Saturday if somehow it’s just her and I hanging out where the Shake Shack and most of our known civilization used to be, and she forgets that whole kerfuffle with the restraining order. (“But you’re on *my* list!”)
5. Get to work finishing that next manuscript — Okay, by “finishing” I mean “actually starting”—I’d hate to be a one-hit wonder, although I’m not even quite sure I’d qualify for that yet as it’d technically require “a hit.” (You all should probably buy a few extra copies now as it might be tricky to get after Friday’s ultimate destruction.)
6. Climb Mt. Everest — You know, to say that I did. Given the time constraint, however, That Gently Sloping Hill A Few Blocks Over might have to do. Or I could just drive up it—pretty much the same thing, right? Man conquers Nature, yet again!
7. Collect a few old debts — Okay, Billy Olah, if you’re out there, you still owe me 35 cents for that chocolate eclair I bought you at the trading post at summer camp in 1978 and you promised you’d pay me back. I know it sounds petty to remember something 30-something years later, but by buying him that one, it was one less I was able to have. Not a big deal now, of course, but when you’re a growing teenager stuck at summer camp with a budget of less than a dollar a day to supplement the “food” from the mess hall, it’s matters.
8. Fix that leaky faucet in the bathroom — Seriously, how am I supposed to enjoy Eternity if I know that thing is still dripping?
9. Rent Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter — I really enjoyed the book and I haven’t heard too many great things about the movie, but I feel like if I’ve got time for just one movie this week, I might as well make it one I was vaguely interested in seeing, especially since my buddy Bob already made me watch Human Centipede.
10. Gear up for that New York Jets Super Bowl that would have been this year — Because the way they’ve embarrassed themselves the past few years, it’d have to be the end of the world if they had a serious chance of getting to the Gig Game.
Enjoy The End everyone! And whoever is last, remember to turn out the lights.