So now that Pope Benedict is stepping down, the Catholic Church will be looking for a new pontiff to run the show. With my extensive global domination plans, taking this gig would be a good fit for me—I’d instantly pick up 1 billion minions looking to be lead and suddenly have about $8 billion in assets at my disposal, which would go a loooooong way to building that Star Trek transporter I’ve dreamed about. Throw in those fancy digs and cushy lifestyle, I see it as a win all around …
… you know, except for that pesky “Belief in God” requirement, which I’m betting is *probably* pretty high up on the checklist for potential applicants. Even though they are looking for a figurehead-type leader, they are most likely interested in someone who shares the same vision as they do, which, to say the least, I don’t. Oh, and they might want someone who strives to run an organized religion, as opposed to someone who labors to create disorganized stupidity.
But just because it’s not the job for me—the perfect world leader, obviously—it doesn’t mean that I can’t help out (because I’m a god-damned giver, okay?), or that they shouldn’t fill the post at all. As a matter of fact, employing a little out-of-the-box thinking (which the Catholic Church needs to stay relevant at this point), here are
Five People Who Should Be Considered For Pope
1. Morgan Freeman
He’s already been God, so although it’d be a step down, he has some experience in holy matters. He’s also a commanding presence, and people seem to genuinely like and respect him. He’s also got a great voice, which is necessary with all those masses he’ll have to give. Oh, and the papacy will immediately get about 1 billion times cooler.
2. Pee Wee Herman
Obviously, the Catholic Church is a very serious place, so who better to inject a little bit of levity into proceedings than everyone’s favorite manchild, who’s due for a big comeback? And given the leadership’s … uh, predilections … someone who is good at attracting young flesh—er, believers—could be on their “want” list. I’m just not quite sure how the bow tie would fit over the collar … although who knows, it may turn out to be a good look for all the clergy to follow!
3. Prince Charles
Oh, sure that means he’d be out of the running for King of England, but let’s face it—if his mother Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t stepped aside after 60+ years, she’s clearly NEVER going to willingly give up the title. Throw in the fact that her mother lived well past 100, and that means Chuck will be continue to wait for quite a while. By taking this job, he gets to use all that diplomacy and protocol that he’s been practicing for the past half century. (He’s got that royally affected stiff wave down by now.) It also might be a great chance for the Anglican church to make some peace with the Catholic church—hey, despite a few centuries of “disagreement,” they’re really not all that far apart, right?
4. Xuxa
If you’re not familiar with this nearly 6-foot-tall Brazilian children’s TV host, actress and singer, her selection would check two boxes as it 1.) would make the Church look like it gives a crap about women’s rights; and 2.) throw a bone to Brazil, which has the highest number of Catholics on the planet. In addition to being able to make men involuntarily gasp for God by her mere appearance, she has experience performing in unusual outfits, and since she’s already one of the wealthiest entertainers in the world (net worth estimated well over $350 million), she would be hard to corrupt.
5. Oprah Winfrey
First off, she’s looking for a new job anyway, so we know she’s available. She a master of mass communication, and likes to give things away, which, even though the Catholic Church is reluctant to actually do with its ungodly wealth, is sort of what it ostensibly wants to be known for. It wouldn’t take much to turn Oprah’s Book Club into Oprah’s GOOD Book Club. Oh, and obviously—”Heeeeeere’s POprah!”
You’re welcome.
So do you think I can expect a finder’s fee?