Look, I’m not saying that I’m a great parent—especially after accidentally closing a car window on my son’s arm earlier today—but I do think I’ve learned a few things along the way that might be of help to those just starting down that path. You know, after “Make sure that the kids are 10 feet away from the car before you start to close windows …”
5 Pieces of Reasonable Parental Advice
1. No means no – Whatever the request—be it from “Can I have a juice box?” to “Can I borrow the car?”—if your wife or partner already has said “No,” then you *damn well* better say no, too—even if the reason is nothing more than “Because I said so!” Because once kids realize that they can divide and conquer, and thus, dismantle your parental authority like Spanish conquistadors taking South America, it’s over. Like vastly outgunned Peruvians, the best-case scenario is that you’re enslaved for a few centuries.
If you’re a single parent—or alone with the kids for an extended period, which can feel like it—if you say no and then eventually relent, you’re done. As it turns out, just like all that stuff they learn in school, they will learn at home that their wills are stronger than yours, and that they can impose it on you.
Hey, if you’re not 100 percent sure, there’s always, “We’ll see.” As my son told me, “That’s pretty much means no.” Yes, but there’s a little wiggle room, enough to buy yourself some precious time to make an informed—and hopefully correct—decision.
2. No does NOT mean “I don’t love you” – Too many times we’re more interested in pleasing our kids rather than raising them. Big difference.
Last time I checked, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Look, just because I said ‘No, you can’t set the house on fire today,’ doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving you or am mad at you. It means that it’s not okay to burn down the house, no matter how many times you ask. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you and everything to do with learning to do the right thing. I still love you.”
That “I still love you” is important to mention on occasion. I found it especially useful when I would get upset with the kids. After yelling at them for whatever transgression had angered me, I would often try to have the presence of mind to add something like, “Just because I’m mad at you right now doesn’t mean I don’t love you any more. Just like you, I get upset sometimes. It’s okay—it’s all part of life. I still love you.”
I’m pretty sure this is something that I’ve culled from my formative years watching Mister Rogers, who might’ve been one of the greatest and finest humans in all of the history of ever. Period.
In short, it’s okay to be friends … but be a parent first. They may not like you today but they’ll love you tomorrow.
3. Find their weakness—and exploit it – When it comes to disciplining children, there are numerous paths that can be taken, but I often found that taking away whatever my sons loved the most (at the time) was an effective tool.
For instance, when he was young, Son #1 loved TV more than life itself, so “Behave or no ‘Teen Titans!'” was a pretty effective tool. However, I found that when I tried a similar approach with Son #2, he just shrugged and walked away. It took a while, but I finally discovered that he loved computer time, so taking that away became the weapon of choice with him.
And it worked because …
4. Kids recognize idle threats, so don’t waste everyone’s time with them – I’m always amused around the holidays by parents who (often in public) will shout things like, “If you keep stabbing your sister, Santa isn’t going to bring you any presents!”
In all my years, I’ve only known one parent—my dear friend Fran—who actually dropped the Santa hammer on her kids and made sure that there was nothing under the tree on Christmas morning. Now that’s hard core!
As I’ve mentioned numerous times, Red Forman is one of my parenting role models, and I like to quote him to my children quite a bit …
Actually, I’ve never touched my angry foot to a child’s posterior, despite being severely tempted at times.
In truth, I’ve always tried to keep my punishment threats to things that I—and my kids—knew I could follow through on. Taking away TV, computer or video game time was easy to do and effective enough to get my point across.
I remember once when Son #2 was being particularly difficult and after an extended time out in the corner didn’t work, I sent him to his room, where I told him that he had to sit on his bed and do nothing. When that didn’t seem to faze him, I threatened to take away everything Power Ranger that he owned—FOR EVER!
I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes as he looked around his room, but he continued to challenge me, so I finally said, “That’s it!” I literally pulled the Power Ranger sheets out from under him, and then took all his ‘zords and other Ranger paraphernalia and bundled it all up in the sheets and put it in my bedroom.
He started crying, which absolutely made me feel awful, but from that point we both knew that when I promised a punishment, it’d absolutely happen.
If it makes you feel better, file this under, “Keeping a promise!”
5. Give time off for good behavior – By the same token, even if I went through with a tough punishment, I always gave my kids a chance to redeem themselves. Life is often about second chances, right?
In the Power Ranger example up above, after letting my son be devastated for an hour or three, I eventually said to him, “Okay, here’s the deal: Be good the rest of today and all of tomorrow, and you can get back your stuff.” And he did, and he did.
I often employed that tactic—”took away” all of TV or computer time, let them be really upset for a while, then went back to them with a deal that if they could behave for X amount of time, then they could recover a diminished portion of what they had lost. It worked better than I thought it could.
Anyway, this all sounds like great advice, you know, until one of my sons shoots the president. Then all bets are off …
Amen to that brother.