Hey kids, are you paying attention? Let’s see—
1. Now that Penn State has taken down the Joe Paterno statue in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky scandal, the university plans on:
a. melting it down to sell it for scrap to help pay the impending civil lawsuits.
b. burying it, because given how Joe Pa acted when he found out, that seems appropriate.
c. using it as a paper weight because at least then it will have done more than Paterno did.
d. using the statue’s raised finger to do something to Sandusky that may be described by him as “horribly painful and violent,” but for his victims, could be called, “amusing and ironic justice.”
2. Now that Bradley Wiggins has made history as the first Brit to win the Tour de France, expect his countrymen to celebrate by:
a. raising a mug of warm beer and singing Chumbawamba songs.
b. shooting the Queen out of a cannon. Again.
c. exhuming the remains of little Jackie Wright so they could parade through the streets while rapidly patting his skull.
d. learning exactly what sport this involves.
3. Now that the World Wildlife Federation [WWF] has ousted Spanish King Juan Carlos as its honorary president after it came to light that he went hunting while on African safari, they will replace him with:
a. Prince, because he know what it sounds like when doves cry.
b. Prince Charles, because he’s really not doing anything else.
c. Queen Latifah, because it makes sense to have a royal replacement who apparently isn’t interested in meat.
d. King Kong Bundy, because he’s already WWF royalty.
4. The field for GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s vice presidential running mate has been narrowed down to:
a. someone who will not outshine Romney in terms of charisma, which means a middle-aged, married white guy who has spent the last decade as the assistant to the regional accountant for Snore More, Inc.
b. Chuck Norris, because it’s about damn time.
c. [*insert your own name here … because seriously, they have no clue who to pick at this point until the latest poll tells them who, and if that’s how they’re going about it, then we’re all screwed*]
d. anyone not Sarah Palin.
5. The Dark Knight Rises:
a. is not something to joke about.
b. is not something to joke about.
c. is not something to joke about.
d. is something that a comedian like Gilbert Gottfried or Daniel Tosh will eventually joke about, and then after having their career destroyed under an unrelenting barrage of public backlash, will only then learn that it is *NOT* something to joke about.