So this isn’t usually the place to find world exclusives or breaking news, but that’s about to change …
For reasons I don’t understand and you probably don’t want to think about too much, I was contacted by none other than Kim Jong Un, the leader of the Republic of North Korea—apparently, he searched the web (it is “world wide,” after all) and found my site to be “most typically American.”
Hey, if you have followed anything that North Korea has done in the past few years, that happening makes as much sense as having Dennis Rodman be the unofficial ambassador to that country. Birds of a feather, I suppose.
Anyway, in light of recent tensions, Un asked if I would post this message from him … so in the spirit of world peace and the betterment of Man, I agreed.
AN OPEN LETTER FROM KIM JONG-UN, SUPREME COMMANDER OF THE KOREAN PEOPLE’S PARTY, FIRST SECRETARY OF THE WORKER’S PARTY OF KOREA AND FUTURE RULER OF BEST AMERICA
Dear Soon-to-Be Party Members,
Now that the glorious nation of Korea has repeatedly demonstrated its military might and superiority, it is only a matter of time before your false leaders are forced to see the weakness of their spirit, and bow down to Korea in disgraced surrender. The government of the America of United States will then be no more, and I will be installed as your supreme commander.
Do not fear, however—I do not hold the people of America responsible for the actions of their cowardly politicians, and will not be looking to punish or eradicate all of you from the globe. Instead, once your feeble leaders have been whipped like the lying dogs they are, you all will be assimilated into the Best Korea way of life.
As such, here are some of the great and wonderful changes that you can expect to now bring happiness into your sad lives as your follow along in your transformation from weaklings to super humans, much like my fellow members of the Korean’s People’s Party have done.
I will list these in a proper numerical order so that your improved education will start on the most fundamental level—with learning to count the Korean way.
Kim Jong-1: No more obesity – Here in Korea, our people are not dimpled, oversized bags of fat like Americans because they do not enjoy the obscene amounts of choice when it comes to nourishment. Koreans are lean, always-hungry people—and not only hungry for actual food, which the majority don’t have, but for my spiritual guidance.
The severe lack of available sustenance has also helped the people of Korea become something Americans are not: resourceful and imaginative. Tell me, in America, do you take advantage of the decadent nutritional options around you, such as the grass that grows in your ample yards or the bark off of the many trees? Here in Korea we do, and soon you will be thin and unencumbered by such diseases as Type 2 diabetes, as we are.
As for my personal r0bust physique—I am nourished solely by the love and affection of my people. It is only through my rigorous exercise program that I am not a jellied ham-bear like most Americans are (for now).
Kim Jong-2: No more gun murders or mass shootings – There will be no more deadly school murders in America or any other type of gun violence because only members of my military will have guns, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE. Period.
This system has worked without flaw in Korea, so I know it will also be met with success in the America of United States. Those who do not willingly give up their firearms immediately will be compelled to do so WITHOUT EXCEPTION. Those who resist will be dealt with severely.
This change also means that your diminishing energies will also not be wasted on silly things like gun-control debates.
Speaking of which …
Kim Jong-3: No more debates of any kind – There will be no more conflict brought about by expressions of free speech because free speech will not exist. Going forward, I, as you supreme commander, will do all the thinking and have all the opinions that you will ever need. Public policy and thought will be dictated by me as it has been done here in Korea, first by my grandfather, and then by my father, before me.
Again, this system has worked without flaw, so I expect nothing but complete cooperation. For those who do not feel compelled to oblige voluntarily, they will be persuaded to do so in a manner that might not be described as “pleasant” or “one that you will live through.”
Kim Jong-4: No more distractions such as Facebook, Twitter or the Internet – We have severely limited and heavily restricted internet access in Korea, and it has served our people well. With more than 99 percent of the population off-line, they have not been corrupted by ridiculous mind-weakening American ideas like democracy, freedom of speech or expression, or the pursuit of unfettered happiness.
Again, the perfect model of Korea stands as a shining beacon to all. Join our flame or be extinguished like a moth.
Kim Jong-5: No more traffic jams – As Korea has successfully eschewed the sins of material wealth that have plagued the weaklings of the West, we have been able to create a utopia where the wide, abundant and beautiful streets of our cities are not clogged with unwanted personal vehicles.
Rather than becoming physically and mentally weak by relying on mechanized methods of transportation, Korea is a bastion of self-reliance, in every sense of the term. Unless it is for the direct use of our military, party members are expected to make their way about either by public transportation, which fosters better togetherness, or by foot, which fosters great health.
Kim Jong-6: No more reliance on fossil fuels – An example to all of mankind, Korea is striving to become a more green nation, as many of you Americans profess to aspire to. We are moving away from powering our nation with planet-destroying energies such as oil, gas or coal—and the infidels who profit from that consumption—and have instead eagerly embraced the clean and mighty fuel of the future.
Apparently, it also works in weapons—who knew?
Kim Jong-7: No more energy wasted on trying to emulate false reality-show TV idols – As in Korea, all television and radio stations will be run by my ministry of communications, and will ONLY feature state-approved programming. Thus, there will be no more keeping up with any fat-bottomed American media whores, no watching of the irresponsible spouses of various vile locations, no enjoying the capricious activities of inbred hill folk or their mentally impaired, beauty pageant-loving offspring.
This ban will also extend to all so-called American entertainment including fictional programs and movies, non-fictional programs and movies, professional sports endeavors, historical or informational programming and all pornography. Cooking shows will remain as your population learns to assimilate to their new Korean diet of occasional rice, grasses, bugs and tree bark.
Your new entertainment will reflect Korean values and interests, which means plenty of shows about me, my father and grandfather. (But mostly me.)
Kim Jong-8: No more concerns about funding independent artistic expression – To fashion a more-focused and cohesive society like the one we enjoy in Korea, all new art in every medium will focus on one subject, and one subject only—your supreme commander. No exceptions!
All the old art filling your museums and galleries will be destroyed immediately to make way for all the new art that specially designated party members will be allowed to create. If it is not obvious already, every side of me is my best side, but I will leave it to my hand-picked artists to show me in ways that even the many, many ignorant Americans should be able to appreciate.
Kim Jong-9: No more arguments about the growing divide between American social classes – As it is in Korea, it will be here in America—only two social classes: me and the rest of you.
This is good news for all of those who do not possess much, as their lives should not change all that dramatically, if at all. Those who currently possess great wealth, however, may find their lives somewhat impacted as every bit of their money and possessions will be immediately taken and added to my personal accounts until I can best decide how to use those assets in pursuit of even more military might and everlasting Korean glory.
Again, this model has powered Korea to much success, so to do anything less than take all of your riches would be madness. And I am clearly not mad.
Kim Jong-10: No more arguments regarding religion or faith – There is only ONE true form of worship, and that is of ME!
And the sooner you learn to bow down and accept it, the better it will be for you.
YOUR NEW BELOVED LEADER
P.S. Remember, we will always be watching …