On Sunday, January 20, 2013, Barack Obama takes the oath of office for his second term as President of the United States. During the inaugural celebration, which will stretch into Monday, he will address the entire nation to celebrate the event and lay out his vision for his second term in office.
Although I’m sure he’s got qualified professionals who might have more (read: any) experience writing such oratories, I thought that this time out he might need some help, especially since the majority of Americans probably won’t remember anything he said—unless he mentions something about giving away free pizza or having Honey Boo Boo and The Human Thumb, deported to Kazakhstan—ten minutes after the speech is over.
I guarantee that if he chooses to use this speech, people will remember it.
Here we go with
The Inaugural Address That I Can Only Hope President Obama Will Deliver This Time
My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the continuing challenges before us, deeply grateful for the trust you have bestowed upon me once again. Now that I’m safely entrenched in the second term that you have granted me, I no longer have to be as concerned about how my every word and action might be twisted by political opponents to sway or mislead the voting electorate. So with those challenges behind me, I’ve decided that I’m going to talk to you in a more direct manner.
Simply: I’m done with the bullshit and I’m going to give it to you all straight.
Oh, that’s right, the current President of the United States just uttered the word “bullshit,” and guess what? Not a damned thing happened. Oh sure, some people may have gasped, a few hearts may have skipped a beat here or there, but no one was physically hurt or died from my use of that word, nor did the world come to any sort of abrupt end. Heck, no one was even psychologically damaged by this, not even the youngest of our Americans, who have most likely already heard their own parents exclaim such words—or worse—in frustration. Often repeatedly.
Sticks and stones break bones last time I checked, not the occasional naughty word.
And you see, that illustrates two of the major challenges that lie before us. Not only are our energies constantly absorbed by focusing on meaningless controversies such as being offended by a mere word that we’ve all heard and most likely have used at numerous points in our lives, but more importantly, we’re also creating a nation of insulated, self-absorbed precious snowflakes who can never hear a bad word, can never be allowed to be sad, and can never be subjected to the slightest hardship or inconvenience.
In short, we’re raising a generation of zombified wusses who live their days glued to video games and cell phones, and who are convinced that they can do no wrong. Trust me, I know this firsthand—I have two beautiful daughters of my own, Natasha and Malia, who can tell you in excruciating detail about how they can navigate a sandbox game like Minecraft, but yet are incapable of finding their way on their own to the local playground to play in a sandbox. We have allowed them to become more interested in keeping up with the Kardashians than keeping up with their algebra.
Epic fail, as they say.
Sure, my fellow parents, our intentions are noble, but by making it easier on our children now, we’re making it harder on everyone in the long run. In our zest to ensure every one of our children feels good about him or herself by giving them a trophy for just showing up, it means that often they never taste the bitter agony of defeat, and thus, have never gain a strong hunger for victory. Maybe if a child or two got left behind on occasion, they would work harder to keep up with the best and brightest.
Perhaps this is why the rest of the civilized world is kicking our collective butts in areas that are “hard” such as science, manufacturing and technology, and will continue to do so. Our kids just don’t give a damn because they know they’ll be rewarded, regardless of the outcome, as long as they—quote, unquote—try.
And that’s not how it works in the real world, is it? If you show up at work and try, that’s all fine and good, but if you don’t get the job done, you’re not going to stay employed for very long are you . . . unless of course you work in Congress.
[*wait for laughter to subside*]
All joking aside, we need to raise mentally tougher and thicker-skinned children, more rugged individuals who are not deterred at the first obstacle and will not throw up their hands when the going gets rough. No more waiting for Mommy to come along and make it all right—make it all right for yourself, or be left behind.
But before we can do that, my fellow Americans, the first step is looking at ourselves, and realizing that we need to step up our own game. That in addition to teaching our children how to make things all right for themselves, we need not only to teach ourselves how to make things all right for ourselves, but that each and every one of us is solely responsible for our own lives.
That’s right—it’s time to stop playing the blame game. It’s not the fault of big business, the government, the education system, your local planning and zoning board, the Illuminati or even the cast of the Jersey Shore that you’re living in a van down by the river. If you’re an adult and you’re not happy with where you are in your life, you have no one to blame but yourself. You—and you alone—can change it.
It’s called personal responsibility. Google it. Learn it. Live it.
And I don’t want to hear you say that you can’t do it. Despite what many may say, this is still the Land of Opportunity. Just ask my good friend from back in Kenya, Donald Trump, who on multiple opportunities squandered the fortune his father left him before finally making it bigger than his hair.
[*smile smugly and nod during the applause, then get serious again*]
Now many might suggest that the last four years in the United States have sucked—the economy has been down, retail prices are up, our political system appears to be frozen, and numerous heartbreaking tragedies have befallen our land.
But I say to each one of you, step back and compare your life here in the United States to the rest of the world.
Yes, there’s 8 percent unemployment here, but guess what? That means 92 percent employment—I guarantee you anyone in Greece or Spain, where 1 out of 4 people are jobless, would happily trade for that any day of the week. Tanks are not rumbling down Main Street America while they slaughter tens of thousands of innocent citizens, like in Syria. We’re not facing famine and disease such as in West Africa, where 150 of every 1,000 children will die before reaching age 5. You’re not eating the bark off trees to stay alive while the latest generation in a line of chubby, well-fed megalomaniacs are ranting about Best Korea and comparing the size of their rockets to everyone else.
First world problems, people.
Now that’s not to say we shouldn’t focus our energies on pushing this proud nation to reach its full potential. I think that we all agree that if we can get every American man and woman, boy and girl, to stop their whining and their bitching, to ignore the distractions that come with such negative activities, to put all our ridiculous partisan political bickering aside, and started working together, there would be no freaking stopping us.
Sure, we have challenges, from economic woes and gun control to congressional constipation and our ever-growing national waistline, but I truly believe if we cut all the petty, self-serving crap and tried to find solutions that would help the silent majority rather than appease the obnoxiously loud few, we would once again be regarded by all as the greatest nation on Earth.
I think of the words of two young women who worked in a brewery in Milwaukee, who went from obscurity to prosperity. “Nothing’s gonna turn us back now. Straight ahead and on the track now. We’re gonna make our dreams come true. Doin’ it our way.” The American Way.
So let’s get off our butts and get to work. To paraphrase the brilliant Americans who brought us South Park, The Book of Mormon and Team America: World Police: “America … FUCK YEAH!”
Thank you, and God bless.