So like many of you, I work in an office during the day. Occasionally I work from home if the weather conditions warrant it, and when I do, I’m such a straight arrow/dope that I actually work when I work from home. Even on my official days off, if I don’t have a specific activity planned, I tend to spend most of the day in front of the computer, writing something. Very rarely do I sit around and do nothing in the middle of the day such as watch TV . . . until this past week.
On Sunday night, I started feeling wonky, which was followed by a sleepless night where I alternated between burning with fever and freezing. When the alarm went off on Monday morning, I was so zonked that it was all I could do to grab my cell phone and text my boss that I wasn’t coming in to the office. I dragged myself out of bed, watched my family go off to school/work, tried to eat something and quickly abandoned that plan to crawl back into bed, where I went passed out for another four to five hours of sleep.
When I awoke, it was mid afternoon, and not having the energy for much else—the siren song of the intrawebz couldn’t even lure me to my computer—I propped myself up on the couch, sucked on a Gatorade and flipped on an episode of History Channel’s “American Pickers,” pretty much because that was the channel the TV had been left on from the night previous.
Now as most of you know, I certainly watch a (un)healthy amount of TV, and that includes more than my share of shows like the aforementioned “American Pickers.” I’m not saying it’s the greatest show on TV by any means, maybe not even in the Top 20, but sometimes when there’s nothing else on, I’ll watch. If you’re not familiar with the premise, basically these two antique nerds go around the country “picking” through people’s old junk in the hopes of finding things they can resell—usually, they visit people who have collected tons of crap and need to unload some of it.
As I’ve said before, the ultimate crossover would be “Pickers” and A&E’s “Hoarders.”
Anyway, “Pickers” was on and it was an episode that I had already seen, but too wiped to even bother changing the channel, I watched it again. But as the commercials came on, I realized it was nowhere near the same viewing experience.
Yes, as some of you already realize, the commercials that run in the daytime are *very* different from those at night. Very different, indeed. Nowhere to be seen were the food, fashion or car ads that I’m used to vieweing during prime time, but instead, it was a sea of … well, unusual (to me) items.
In the course of an hour episode, here are some of the products I saw:
Mirena intrauterine birth control – Really, advertisers think that stay-at-home moms are so sick of being stuck with their kids that they will do anything to avoid having more—including risk getting cancer, “pelvic inflammatory disease” (yes, it’s a thing) or ovarian cysts, as well as be willing to tear holes in their uterine lining and take on heavier bleeding? Good luck with that.
Liberator medical catheters – Would people stuck at home who need to regularly stick medical devices in their most sensitive of body orifices really rather save a few bucks and do it themselves, as opposed to have an actual, trusted healthcare professional help them? On the plus side, you can get your free personalized sampler pack (including pre-lubed catheters), you know, because everyone should be experimenting on their own genitals with randomly-sized objects.
The Jazzy – The Rolls Royce of transportation devices for the mobility-challenged from what I’ve heard—if this is where my Obamacare dollars are going, I’m okay with making the lives of the permanently disabled a little easier and cooler …. yes, I said cooler, because it does sort of look like fun to tool around in one, although I fully realize as a person who can walk that this probably sounds offensive—apologies in advance, as always.
Open-Aire portable oxygen – This is what Dennis Hopper uses in Blue Velvet, right? You can buy that off the TV? Sweet!
Zostavax shingles medication – Do advertisers think that sick people have nothing better to do than sit around all day watching …. oh wait, never mind.
Make The Connection veteran services – Here’s my problem with this ad running during this show: I find it hard to believe that after facing death, violence and untold horrors, our distinguished vets prefer to unwind with an afternoon of watching two goofballs picking through other people’s trash as opposed to just catching up on hours of internet porn free of restriction or censorship by the U.S. government.
Passage Malibu rehab – You know, because overpriced, glitzy, celebrity-centric mental-health “professionals” are sooooo much more effective than truly experienced practitioners, just as Dr. Drew has so ably proven.
Sandals – I guess if you have time to be hanging out in the middle of the day watching History Channel, you probably have spare time for a Caribbean vacation.
Beltone – I want to make a joke here, but I fear after years of going with my buddy Big Balls Bob to see the likes of KISS, Motley Crue, Aerosmith, Metallica and too many other bad hair metal bands to mention that a hearing aid may be in my future sooner rather than later. Eh?
Alteril sleep aids – What, you can get AIDS from sleeping—why would anyone want that?! Okay, the irony is that this commercial came on a day when I was struggling to maintain consciousness. I needed 5-Hour Energy, not 15-Hour Coma!
LLC.com – I’m leery simply because this “start your own limited liability company” website is run by The Company Corporation, which sounds like it was made up by George Costanza—I’m pretty sure their slogan is “Companies for People.”
Qunol health supplement – Again, I’m not suggesting that this isn’t a legitimate product, it’s just that the main ingredient—Coenzyme Q10—is referred to as CoQ10, which in my juvenile mind is pronounced “Cock ten,” and is something I don’t want to put in my mouth. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I’m just saying it’s not for me …
…. just like daytime TV.
Next time, I’m just going to read a book.