So a few weeks ago, Joopiter and I were at a local watering hole enjoying adult libations when she noticed a banner hanging high and proclaiming happy hour deals for certain menu items. One dish that we took note of was “buff nachos,” which most normal people would interpret as short for “buffalo nachos.”
Yeah, normal people. Immediately we decided that it was clearly meant to be read as [*flex biceps, drop into best Hulkamaniac voice, brutha*] “BUFF NACHOS!” Which, of course, would only be served with … JACKED CHEESE! OHHH YEAH!!
And we were off and riffing.
Before we knew it, we came up with Carbio, the exercise-centric dining spot that we clearly need to open because we ain’t getting rich working for The Man (or The WoMan #hertoo). Before everyone poops, everyone eats, so why not cash in by catering to all those workout-loving freaks? Gym-themed food for the fitness-minded! And of course, all served on weight plates.
On the menu:
- Bacon FitBits
- Granola Crunches
- Stacked Pancakes
- cREPs SuSETs
- Meaticine Balls
- Racked Lamb
- Plank Steak
- Spot Roast
- Zumbaked Ziti
- Stuffed BarBell Peppers
- Bench Fries
- Spin-ach Salad
- Potato Pilatkes
- Loaded Potato Wins
- Swoleslaw
- PUMPkin Bread
- Treadmillshakes, in Strongberry, Veinilla and Chalkolate
Not surprisingly, we were unable to stop there with the dreams of being restaurateurs. Before the doors of Carbio could even open, we were on to a Tom Cruise-themed restaurant. Yes, that’s right, it’s time to launch …
Dishin’ Impossible!
Menu items, if you choose to accept them, include:
- Risky Brisket
- Cooked Goose
- Potato Wedge of Tomorrow
- Coleslaw Trickle
- Tropic Flounder
- Interview with the Ham-pyre
- Chicken Fillets of Thunder
- Legend of Lamb
- Charlie Rabbitt Stew (10 minutes till it’s ready, definitely 10 minutes)
- Les Grossmanicotti
- Wild Boar of the Worlds
- A Few Good Hens (dinner) and A Few Good Eggs (breakfast)
- Peanut Butter & Jelly Maguire (for the kiddies!)
- GRain Man sandwiches or pasta. Served on Top Buns
- Show me the Honey …. in our fresh-baked breads!
- Vanilla Pie, part of the Pies Wide Shut desserts menu
- And obviously, Cocktails aplenty
As appetizing as that all sounds, I decided we need to go just a little too far. You know, all the way to The End, as it were. Yes, that’s right, welcome to a heavenly dining spot, your salvation from starvation, we like to call …
The Last Supper
Now serving …
- Chilli Jeez Fries
- Walking on Watercress Salad
- A Fount(ain) of Olives
- Sacred Salad bar with the Cruci-fixings station
- Never-ending Fish Sticks and Loaves (to share)
- Stuffed Leper Peppers
- Blessed Virgin roseMary Garlic Chicken
- Hot Cross Buns
- Messiah Matzos
- Baptist Burgers
- Fried Parableoney Sandwiches
- SerMonte Christo Sliders
- Crown of Corns
- BethleHam Hocks (ask about our kosher alternative)
- Apostle Pot Stickers
- Pontius Pilatkes
- Roast Lamb of God (with New TestaMint jelly)
- The Passion Fruit of the Christ
- And on the “Last Temptations” dessert menu, an array of resurrection confections, including devil’s and angel food cakes
Mmm … sacrilicious.
And again, co-creation credit here to Joopiter. Thanks!