Jan 202014
 

So I was not really surprised to hear that New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s staff has been indulging in bully-like behavior, using their power to block lanes of the George Washington Bridge and cause enormous traffic issues for the good people of Fort Lee—all in alleged retaliation for the mayor of Fort Lee not supporting Christie’s last gubernatorial run …

Yes, another donut can solve any problem.

Yes, another donut can solve any problem.

By the way, something is rotten with this story right off the bat. Why would the Democratic mayor of Fort Lee be expected to support the Republican governor of New Jersey in his bid for re-election? Aside from political whores like Joe Lieberman, who endorses across party lines? No, my friends, there’s more to this that will eventually come out …

Now there are new allegations that Gov. Christie’s administration has threatened to withhold Superstorm Sandy relief funds from towns that didn’t “play ball” with particular development plans. I think it’s appropriate to say when it rains, it pours.

Well, while we wait for the next revelation to present itself, here are:

The Top 10 Potential Chris Christie Scandals

1. The “accidental” public release of a Snooki sex tape.

2. Falsified the birth certificate of Jon Bon Jovi—who was actually born in Idaho.

3. Use sand imported from Connecticut to replenish the Jersey Shore.

4. Substituted frozen yogurt for frozen custard on the boardwalk.

5. Coordinate port-o-potty “issues” at the next Springsteen concerts in retaliation for this:

6. Blocked the delivery of god-damned snacks to the New York Jets practice facility.

7. Exorcised the Jersey Devil.

8. Banned “working girls” from entertaining during Super Bowl week.

9. Approved Atlantic City casino applications in exchange for illicit campaign contributions—and unlimited Brony merchandise.

10. Knows the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa and Donald Trump’s original hair.

 

Jul 262013
 

What I did on my summer vacation …

Go to New York Jets training camp in Cortland, N.Y.!

Yeah, I’m a nerd like that.

Here are some pics … enjoy!

Jets head coach Rex Ryan, rockin’ the green Chuck Taylors—

Jets rookie—and hopefully, soon-to-be-starting—quarterback, Geno Smith

That “other” QB …

Continue reading »

Mar 192013
 

So I couldn’t help but ignore the fact that after I wrote about how eagerly I am anticipating spring this week, Mother Nature decided to take a big white dump all over the Northeast on Monday night. Not only did she make a mess, but she made me miss a lecture being given by one of my favorite people, Dr. Kenny Feder.

Spiteful bitch!

Thus, as I was shoveling the sloppy mess out of my driveway on Tuesday morning, I thought it was time to channel my best Reb Tevye and have A Chat with Mother Nature . . . .

Me: So, I can’t help but notice that despite everyone wanting to move on to Spring, you’re insisting on keeping the dial cranked up to 11 on winter.

Mother Nature:

Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought you might say, which is fine. I didn’t figure you owed me an explanation as to why you would continue this aberrant behavior. I’m guessing you’re still pissed about the whole global-warming, climate-change thing, and that’s why you’re choosing to smite us with multiple hurricanes, blizzards, earthquakes and all sorts of extended nasty weather, right? That, or you’re still angry over the whole Chiffon incident. Hey, I wasn’t involved with that! No need to hold a grudge.

Mother Nature:

Me: Ahh, okay. You’re acting just like I would—holding your tongue and trying to take the High Road, which we both know that I’ve become synonymous with, and rightly so. Don’t try to steal my act, Missy!

Mother Nature:

Me: Yeah, whatev. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and who can blame you for wanting to be more like me? So I guess it’s safe to say that despite my pleas and the calendar’s scheduled insistence, it’s not going to get all Springy here any time soon. You know you’re not endearing yourself to anyone, aside from people like my whore of a sister who now lives in Florida and insists on calling me every time it snows to just laugh and hang up, right?

Mother Nature:

Me: Yeah, it gets more and more hysterical every freakin’ time—hahahaha ha … ha …. hah. So all of us who live in places where we can appreciate all your beauty via the changes in season can go pound snow. is that it? For the record, I think your handiwork in October in Connecticut makes it the greatest place on the planet to be . . . .

Mother Nature:

Me: So flattery isn’t going to cut it? Fine. I guess that’s it, then? Screw the groundhog and the rest of us, it’s just going to continue to be March as usual, a month of teasing nicer weather but giving us damp cold, fierce wind and a landscape that’s mostly brown and muddy, you know, aside from when you really want to screw with us and throw down some white, like last night. Well, they’ve always said, “Mother Nature’s a bitch.” I guess it’s true.

Mother Nature: [*on the wind*] Jeeeeerk

Me: Wait, what? Did you actually say something?

Mother Nature:

Me: Okayyy then. Well, thanks again for dragging me out of a warm bed early and into a cold rain before 7 a.m. In appreciation, I’m going to burn some styrofoam later, or find me a baby seal to club! Something to get get you back. So take that! Yeah! I’m gonna learn you!

Mother Nature:

Me: That’s right! I can hear you quivering in your … uh .. robes? Although I’m the one shivering in my boots right now. Okay, you win *this* round. Next time, though—no more Mr. Nice Guy. I’m really gonna find a baby seal … or at least some styrofoam. (I think we got some in the basement.) Just watch your step!

Mother Nature:

Me: [*a single tear rolls down my cheek, a la Chief Iron Eyes Cody*] I freaking hate snow.

 

 

Nov 282012
 

Although many professional athletes act like jerks on the field, court, pitch, etc., every now and then you’ll get a guy who behaves so badly on a regular basis, it transcends the game he plays.

Let’s just say this week’s JERK OF THE WEEK was a “shoe in” for the award.

If you’re following along in your program, he’s #90 of the Detroit Lions—

Ndamukong Suh

Yes, to paraphrase the old Johnny Cash song, what we have here is a jerk named Suh.

Now, this will not be a surprise to anyone who follows the NFL as Suh was suspended for two games last year after he stomped on a member of the Green Bay Packers who was on the ground during last Thanksgiving Day’s game! He was also recently voted by his fellow players as “the dirtiest player in the NFL,” and that was all *before* this past Thursday’s game and the jerktastic act he perpetrated on Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub.

Anyway, like many, I was laid back on the couch after having gorged myself on turkey, mashed potatoes and apple pie, when this play sent me to the edge of my seat because I couldn’t believe what just happened. (And no, this isn’t Mark Sanchez running into his own lineman’s butt—that “joy” was still hours away for me.)

Here’s the clip—

Yeah, that kick to Matt Schaub’s groin was about as accidental as John Wilkes Booth’s revolver going off in the presidential box of Ford’s Theater, and only a little less vicious. I can’t help but think of “Oww! My Balls” from Idiocracy.

Suh wasn’t flagged by the refs, nor was he fined by the league, but given his past transgressions and visual evidence, it’s pretty darn clear that he meant to do it.

Interestingly, after the Lions blew the game in overtime, Suh was ticketed by Detroit police for reckless driving—the perfect end of the perfect day for a perfect jerk.

Speaking of perfect jerks, I know where you can find 15 of them, only a few of whom may have kicked unsuspecting foes in the groin. (I’m looking at you Benedict Arnold and William Stuart!)

Here’s hoping it doesn’t happen to any of you!

Oct 082012
 

So Monday is Columbus Day, and like many, I am off from work. But why?

Let me preface what you’re about to read with this: I’m not complaining about having a paid day off from work—as Erma Bombeck (or was it Anna Quindlen?) has said, “No one at the end of their life looks back and says, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office.'”

I mean, I get that it’s to honor Christopher Columbus and the “founding of America,” but why do we need a day off for that? As my son says, “How can you ‘discover’ something if there are already people there when you arrive?” The evidence also shows that there were (at minimum) Viking explorers who arrived here long before Cristoforo Colombo washed up on the shores of a place he called San Salvador (the natives had been calling it Guanahani). Heck, he wasn’t even looking for the place—he was trying to get to get to Southeast Asia! He also thought the lands he had found were the outskirts of the Orient and continued to believe so, even after others had proved otherwise, which is just more fodder as to why exactly do we celebrate this.

I guess Columbus’s fame comes from being the impetus for the European colonization for the Americas, which, by the way take their name from Amerigo Vespucci—the guy who realized that this was a “New World” and acted accordingly. It seems as though his birthday (March 9, same as my non-whore sister) should be the day we commemorate, you know, since we live in the United States of America. Just sayin’.

But again, why are we celebrating this day? I get Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays—great men who were critical to the founding and preservation of our nation. Independence Day and Thanksgiving have deep historical implications. Other holidays have religious connections—Christmas, Easter, Yom Kippur, Ramadan, etc. I even understand Veteran’s and Memorial Day—the former to honor those who have served our country while they are still alive to appreciate it, the latter to honor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect our freedom.

But this day is set aside to celebrate the birth of a guy who “accidentally” stumbled into a place where people had already been living for centuries? I can name a half dozen people off the top of my head who deserve to be commemorated before Columbus because of their contributions to and impact on our nation.

Thomas Jefferson
John Adams
Benjamin Franklin
Franklin Roosevelt
Susan B. Anthony
Philo Farnsworth (look it up and tell me I’m wrong)

I’m sure you can name a few others …

But the question of whether it’s a misnomer or not aside, why do we need a whole day off to boot? It’s not like there’s anything special going on, aside from a few furniture store sales. A few cities, like New Haven, have actual Columbus Day parades, but those are almost always held on Sunday. No one gathers the family together for a feast of roast beast and who hash, and to raise a mug to ol’ Cristoforo. No one dresses like Columbus (or even a Bahamian native), and there’s no Columbus Day pageant full of Columbus-related verse and song. (“In fourteen hundred and ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue,” is a single line, not even a full poem!) Heck, there aren’t even fireworks and I think if there’s *one* thing we can agree on as a country is that we don’t need much of an excuse blow stuff up! (Minor league baseball games, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, mall openings, etc.)

So really, after thinking about all this, Columbus Day is really a day off for no reason and with nothing to do . . .

Yeah.

I’m good with that.

 

Sep 262012
 

… lend me your jerk!

Okay, I’d have to say this week’s JERK OF THE WEEK is definitely more in the “lovable, harmless” jerk category, which is fine—it doesn’t always have to be a total d-bag. What this gentleman did probably falls into the category of “delusions of grandeur” rather than “pure jerk,” although it’s how he went about what he did that qualifies him for this week’s recognition.

Meet this week’s JERK OF THE WEEK

Lars Ahlkvist

Yes, the shiny armor is part of the story. A wonderful part.

See, Lars is the mayor of Hörby, Sweden, and recently, he decided to invest some of the town’s funds, some 600,000 Kronor—or about $91,584 American—on some public art in the form of a giant mural on the city council building ….

Of himself. Dressed as a Roman legionary.

Yes, you read that correctly. As you can see from his photo above, this was obviously a wise decision, as he cuts an … impressive … figure.

According to The Local.se:

Speaking with the Svenska Dagbladet (SvD) newspaper, Ahlkvist explained that Hörby has a “rich tradition of adornment”.

While he admitted that the only connection between Hörby and the Roman empire was “through the church”, Ahlkvist explained the mural was meant to connect the past with the present.

“In the painting, Jesus is escorted by a modern police officer,” he told SvD.

“We’ve got the Arab Spring, as well as a team of snapphane from Hörby,” he added, referring to 17th century pro-Danish guerrillas that fought against the Swedes.

Despite the controversy surrounding how the painting was funded, Ahlkvist emphasized that art should “prompt debate” and that the ensuing publicity could benefit the town.

“Clearly, Hörby has gotten a lot of attention and that is never a bad thing,” he said in reference to the mural-inspired media debate.

Well, if it includes Jesus *and* 17th-century pro-Danish guerrillas, well, of course that can’t be a bad thing. And if he used public money for a memorial to himself, all the better, right? Generations of Horbyvians … Horbyites? … Horbs? will now be able to remember the glorious tenure of Lars Ahlkvist—dreamer, mayor and jerk.

If you want to be read about jerks who have been immortalized for their bad behavior, you know whose book you can buy.

 

Sep 072012
 

It looks like the Connecticut Jerks: 2012 Tour is starting to kick into gear, so if you want to be part of the action, here are

Five Public Ways to Get Aboard The Connecticut Jerks Bandwagon

1. Tune in to “Leatherneck & Lace” on WDRC (1360 AM/102.9 FM) “The Talk of Connecticut” on Monday, September 10 at 9:15 a.m. – My first live radio interview for Speaking Ill of the Dead: Jerks in Connecticut History—what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like anyone has ever said anything wrong on the radio that has gotten them in trouble … right? Gah.

Actually, my biggest fear is that as I get nervous, I talk faster and faster, so there’s a good chance I’ll sound like this guy.

Great radio, right?

Seriously though, it should be entertaining. I may be a little nervous, but that’s good because I tend to crack more jokes to settle myself down. Let’s see if the kids can keep up with me!

Wait, this is already only three days away! I’m already sweating profusely … *gulp*

2. Or tune in to “Talk of the Town With Larry Rifkin” on (WATR 1320 AM) at on September 24 at 12:30 p.m. – Assuming I don’t get banned by the FCC, I should be a radio vet by this point, so I should be chattering at a rate only akin to playing a 78 rpm record backward. (Google it as you’re getting off my lawn, punks!)

I’ve actually been on Larry’s show once before for an article I had written in Connecticut Magazine about business in Connecticut—trust me when I tell you, I know a helluva a lot more about jerks than finance. Yay me!

3. Read the New Haven Register or Seasons Magazine – I’ve already done interviews with both of these publications about the book, but I don’t know the exact date either will be published, although the Register story may be either this weekend or next.

The funny part about the Register interview is that I got an email last Friday from reporter (and my new bff) Jim Shelton asking me if I was “in the area” and could talk? “In the area?” I responded. “I’m literally in the office upstairs!” I guess he had seen the book and thought it would be a fun story, not even realizing that the author was an editor at Connecticut Magazine, the Register’s sister publication housed in the same building. “Sorry, no corporate synergy,” he said. “I thought it was worthy on its own.”

Nice!

4. Come to my “book launch” party at Written Words in Shelton on September 30 at 2 p.m. – Yes, I know that is right in the middle of Jets game—sorry, I haven’t reached the stature of The Bloggess, so I have to take the slot whenever they want me to show up. (I’ll be DVRing the game, so please, don’t text me or tell me what happens—and that means you, Senior Smoke and Steve!)

If things go to plan, I’ll give a 20 minute or so talk, answer a few questions, and then sign some books. Easy peasy lemon squeezey, right? I will also be happy to sign anything else anyone brings—t-shirts, posters, subpoenas, copies of the Constitution, old Partridge Family albums, very small rocks, churches, live badgers …

I assume that on a Sunday afternoon in the fall, there will NOT be a lot of NFL fans in attendance, but that’s okay—they can always just order the book via Amazon and read it during halftime.

5. Check out the “Lunch & Learn” program at the Guilford Public Library on October 16 at noon. Just booked this one yesterday. Apparently I’m going to talk for like EVER (or 40 minutes) and then answer questions.

I’ve been told they get good crowds for this—I’ll make sure to put an end that!

No seriously, this will be another good event at a great place. They asked if I had any A/V requests—I don’t suppose a tape of the greatest matches in the history of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling playing in the background is what they had in mind, although it would add …. uh … another dimension to the proceedings. (For the record, my favorites were Chainsaw and Spike, The Heavy Metal Sisters)

Anyway, as always, thanks for checking out my stuff and I hope you get a chance to enjoy one of these!

 

 

Jul 152012
 

So this week I heard about the Doomsday Faire 2012 in Hartford this October, which sounds like an awesome event.

According to the event’s site: “A Renaissance Fair of a whole different kind! Doomsday Fair 2012 is an apocalypse themed fair and disaster preparedness convention that invites everyone to time travel forward into a New England of the near future.”

On the site, there’s links to apocalart, a zombie fest and more. Sounds like it should be a good time, which got me to thinking: With all the talk about 2012 being the end of the world according the Mayan calendar, why is there so much gloom and doom?

Seriously, talk about the apocalypse always seems to be talk about the glass being half empty. Has Monty Python taught us nothing?!

If anything, Doomsday seems like the perfect time for opportunity. As such—

The Top 14 Benefits to the End of the World

14. No more “Toddlers & Tiaras,” “Dance Moms,” “The Jersey Shore,” “Bad Girls Club” or “The Real Housewives of East Bumblefrack.”

13. End of famine, disease, pestilence and partisan politics, which is especially good, I guess, for those who are not fans of any of that.

12. More days off from work, and no more unpaid overtime.

11. Won’t have to replace the furnace or roof, or take care of all those other pesky home repairs. No more shoveling the driveway in winter!

10. No chance of Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton, Donald Trump or Chris Christie becoming President of the United States, or my next-door neighbor.

9. Never hear Fran Drescher’s voice again.

8. More chocolate chip muffins available at Koffee in New Haven … you know, at first.

7. The Yankees and Patriots will never win another championship, and Bill Belichick will never be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame.

6. Shorter lines at DisneyWorld. The DMV, too.

5. Dramatically less demand for and use of fossil fuels, which should positively affect climate change and keep those danged tree huggers quiet.

4. Nancy Grace will be out of a job.

3. No Ghostbusters 3 or Teletubbies reunion tour.

2. Any questions about which god (if any) is the True God should be sorted out.

1. Less traffic and highway congestion as well as fewer idiots on the road, plus lots of spots at the mall during the holidays!

Here’s hoping the Mayans got it right!

Mar 072012
 

So I was talking to the legendary Senior Smoke the other day, and we got onto his most favoritest subject in the world: children.

I was talking about how amusing my kids are, and he said, “Look, everyone thinks their kids are great kids. Everyone. And that’s just not the case. It’s just not.”

I started to protest and say, “Yeah, but my kids really are great,” but then I stopped.

He’s absolutely right, I realized.

We constantly tell our kids how great and special they are, and we all believe it, but the truth is that it’s impossible. We say everyone is special, but as Dash says in The Incredibles, that’s just “another way of saying no one is.” Words of wisdom and truth that I think it’s high time we share with our children.

Okay, to facilitate that, I’ve decided to write my very own children’s book … except you know, without the actual book, which is pretty much the way we’re going anyway. But that’s okay, I got the rest of it, including the illustrations, created by my not-special son, Zane.

As you can tell by the title of this post, it’s called—

“You Are Not”

*Ahem*

All your life, people have been telling you that “You are special!”

You are not.

I mean, you’re probably a very nice person and good to others, but that describes about 95 percent of the world. Welcome to the “Just Like Everyone Else” Club!

They will tell you that if you work real hard, you can achieve your dreams, no matter what!

Continue reading »

Dec 222011
 

Welcome to the new website. Please bear with me as I am trying to build this from scratch.

Please check back when there’s something here worth reading.

In the meantime, feel free to visit damnedct.com, where there’s plenty of cool things to see.

 

Thanks!