So the other night I was watching House of Dracula—one of the first crossover horror films. Like, think The Avengers, but with the classic Universal monsters: Dracula, The Wolfman and Frankenstein’s Monster.
Also like The Avengers, the movie was a commercial success, although not quite on the same scale. It features Lon Chaney Jr. in his iconic role as eternally tortured Lawrence Talbot (aka The Wolfman), whom he transformed into numerous times throughout the 1930s and ’40s.
Glenn Strange was the Frankenstein Monster—and I always like to point out that in Mary Shelley’s original book, Frankenstein is the doctor’s name, and arguably the real monster of the story.
Rather than Bela Lugosi, Dracula is portrayed by John Carradine, who is the patriarch of the Carradine acting family that includes sons David (“Kung Fu” and Kill Bill), Robert (Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds) and Keith, who has dozens of great roles and is father to the criminally underrated Martha Plimpton (Goonies and “Raising Hope’). Thems some good acting genes!
So as I gander around at the entertainment landscape, it’s apparent that we’ve hit a weird mental block when it comes to monsters since we see the same ones over and over and over again. Every other show/movie is about vampires or zombies. Or vampire zombies. Or even worse, zombie vampires. And don’t get me started on the number of serial/axe/slasher/torture killers on TV shows and in movies—pretty sure they outnumber the number of victims at this point.
Endlessly tapping the same veins for terror is just lazy, especially when there is now a new generation of monsters terrorizing us in real life, an assortment horrific creatures sallying forth from the darkest of places to plague us. Among them …
Social Medusas—Rather than having snakes for hair, this genderless gorgon deploys a tangle of cellphones, tablets and other digital devices to incapacitate, essentially turning people to social stone as they endlessly check their messages, play games and eschew human interaction.
Super Egos—An insidious pseudo-intellectual entity that craves digital validation with tweets, posts and snaps to draw an infinite stream of upvotes, likes, retweets and responses. Catchphrase: “I post, therefore I am.”
Gully Bulls—A cadre of crazed freaks who suck intelligence from the rest of us by falling prey to every half-baked conspiracy, from global warming and moon landing denial to anti-vaxxing and essential oil pyramid schemes.
AWGs—The most entitled of all monsters, Angry White Guys want to oppress everyone not them and run roughshod over decency, tolerance, equity—all in the name of making things “great again,” you know, when they irresponsibly wielded power with cruelty and avarice.
Anticreators—A multiplying horde of ignorance who constantly reproduce but take no responsibility nor exerts any interest or control over its progeny, which continues to grow, sucking more resources from the rest of us and creating more waste.
Drama Llamas—A myopic cretin who turns every molehill into a mountain, finds crisis in the casual, and feeds off sowing chaos into calm. They appear to be a perpetual victim of circumstance, but before you realize it, you’ve been drawn into the spirals of their mania.
Private Pirates—Surreptitious electronic critters who continually steal bits of your privacy for their nefarious purposes by asking for your name, email, phone number, shoe size and dental history for every site, purchase or service in creation. Via security cameras, they watch every breath you take and every move you make. Your phone gives them access to your face and thumb print, your home “assistant” constantly monitors your every word, and your web browsers track the nuances of your web habits. (Too bad for you I just randomly linked to adult diapers) They watch everything you do, everything you say, everything you’re thin—
OH GOD, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD!!!
Okay, that might be a bit too silly. I’m overreacting and overreaching. These are just a bunch of made-up monsters that aren’t really all that monstrous. As per usual, this is just me being stupid ….
Then again, with every good monster, the victim never sees it coming, do they?
Forget who dies in Avengers: Endgame. Still the biggest movie letdown in history: “When you get the hell…tell them an angel sent you.”
I still feel like the producers of that trash owe us a refund!