So as I sit here and continue to contribute to the decline of Western Civilization in my own special way, I realize it just can’t be avoided. So much material to write about! From shows about hillbilly duck call makers dominating our attention to crazed megalomaniacs threatening the world with nuclear annihilation, there is no shortage of subjects to skewer, and really, no shortage of people to skewer them.
Still, I wish that certain people were still here to help … in fact, here are
Five Dead Brilliant People Whose Wit We Still Need
1. Mark Twain
Can you imagine how the man who said, “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself,” and, “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress,” would be tearing up our political system right now? Holy leaping frog of Calaveras County! Considering the wonderfully nasty edge he displayed with comments like, “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it,” ol’ Samuel Clemens—possibly our first insult comedian—would be right up there in the chorus with the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
2. Dorothy Parker
If you’re not familiar with this brilliant author, poet, critic and charter member of the Algonquin Round Table, let’s just say she was a little less vicious than most feeding sharks. Here are a few of her gems: “If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised;” “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to;” and “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” Without a doubt, she’d be the perfect blogger and media critic, considering she said of one book, “This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.” Could only imagine how she would eviscerate Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey.
3. Tallulah Bankhead
Wikipedia describes her as “an American actress of the stage and screen, talk-show host and bonne vivante.” Nowadays you might go with “a hot mess”—think of Charlie Sheen without all the …. well, actually, think Charlie Sheen, period. She was brassy, bawdy and a boozer. Some quotes: “I’m as pure as the driven slush;” “Cocaine isn’t habit forming. I should know—I’ve been using it for years;” “My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine;” and, channeling her inner warlock, “Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.” I could see her with her own one-woman show, talking about her life and destroying all comers.
4. Groucho Marx
In addition to literally being a comedy icon, the leader of the Marx Brothers was the very definition of quick-witted. I’ve seen various interviews with him later in his life, and I can’t get over how fast and sharp he was. A few great comments: “I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book;” “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend;” “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!” and “I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” His lightning wit was an asset when he hosted “You Bet Your Life,” which would make him the perfect talk show host today.
5. Erma Bombeck
She may have seemed like a frustrated housewife, spinning stories laced with gentle humor, but there was a sharp undertone in her books and columns. “I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex;” “Never have more children than you have car windows;” “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” In addition to continuing writing books and columns, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had her own TV show like Dave Barry did. Of course, they’d have to go with the title of one of her most famous books: “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank.” I’d watch that!