So even though the Supreme Court is already making noise that it may take the cowardly route and not make a broad ruling on same-sex marriage, I’m hoping that once they get in chambers behind closed doors, the conversation goes something like this:
Justice Roberts: All right, we’ve heard the arguments, so let’s get to it. What do you all think?
Justice Kagan: Well, having been accused of being gay by the press, politicians, religious leaders, community leaders, lobbyists, attorneys, economists, doctors, lawyers, hobos, small children and even hyperactive spider monkeys—all essentially based on my haircut, love of softball and smoking cigars—I think it’s safe to say that even though it’s absolutely no one’s business but my own how I choose to love, I can identify with the homosexual community. As such, I’m all for ending this homophobic hate disguised as “morality.”
Justice Sotomayor: I am in complete agreement. I know from my own upbringing that people are people, and no one should be discriminated against in the eyes of the law because of inconsequential factors such as their family heritage, the color of their skin or whom they love.
Justice Thomas: [*nods in agreement*]
Justice Breyer: Hey, I grew up in San Francisco, so all this “gay” stuff is old news to me. Put me down too for undoing what the haters in California did, and making the laws of the land equitable for everyone.
Justice Alito: Hey, where did all the marshmallow peeps go? That candy dish was full of them when we sat down.
Justice Thomas: [*tries to swallow something but just shrugs*]
Justice Alito: Well anyway, I was in the army, so I see this as an extension of don’t ask, don’t tell … because it’s no one’s freaking business. I vote for ending discrimination.
Justice Kennedy: To be honest, I’d prefer to kick this one back down to the states.
Justice Roberts: Instead of “Bend It Like Beckham,” it’s “Kick It Like Kennedy.” I don’t think we can do that this time around, though.
Justice Kennedy: Very funny, Johnny boy. But I do agree. I’m already on record repeatedly as pretty much for gay marriage, so no need to turn back now. It’d be like trying to eat just one Pringle. Can’t stop once you pop!
Justice Thomas: [*nods vigorously*]
Justice Scalia: Although I’m not a fan of it, what those people do in private ultimately doesn’t affect me. What I’m concerned about is the Constitution, and nowhere in that fine document does it say anything about denying rights based on sexual orientation. The first thing the Bill of Rights says is “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” so to protect intolerance and discrimination that seems to be religion-based isn’t going to fly with me. I say the bastards are legally entitled to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Justice Bader-Ginsburg: Funny, but the majority of the opposition include groups who carp about “protecting the family” and are fundamentally Christian, yet as a non-Christian, I was allowed to participate without any restriction in the institution they are so vociferously defending on the basis of their faith. So to deny anyone access to the same benefits on faith-based arguments don’t hold vaser, as they say.
Justice Roberts: So that’s eight for, which means how I vote really doesn’t matter. Although I’m personally with Tony on “the other team,” I have to put my prejudices aside. As I’ve been charged to do, I must abide by the Constitution and the law, which forces me to agree solely on the basis of the discrimination, as much as it sickens me to do. So that makes it unanimous! Not that that there’s anything wrong with it.
Justice Kagan: Of course not!
Justice Roberts: Okay now that that’s been decided, let’s dance**!
**Okay, the dancing *might* be too much to hope for, but hey, there are no laws against dreaming, right?
I keep hoping that the time is right for us to accept that we all have a right to marry whoever we want. it would be great to have the supreme court support your dream!