the friday five: it ain’t easy being green

This one doesn’t need a lot of explanation, really.

Five Things Overheard In My Living Room Last Night As the Jets Embarrassed Themselves on National TV

1. “Wow, just when I thought I had seen every way a quarterback could fumble a football, shame on me for not thinking of running head first into your 300-pound lineman’s ass to tackle yourself. Well played, Mark Sanchez. Well played.”

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2. “I always thought that minute after I passed my kidney stone—and was literally doubled over on the bathroom floor and vomiting from the excruciating pain—was the longest 60 seconds of my life. Guess I was wrong.”

3. “Well, at least I won’t have to watch Fireman Ed do his attention-whore thing all night long. Although, I’m sure a true fan like him won’t abandon the team in its darkest hour.”

4. “So … I guess the Jets aren’t going to cover the spread tonight.”

5. “Please pass all of the 6 pounds of leftover turkey so I can eat myself into such a tryptophanic coma that I won’t wake up until next August, you know, in time for training camp so I can do this all over again next year.”