[Quick programming note: I will be at the UConn Coop in Storrs this Tuesday, Nov. 27, at 4 pm talking about Connecticut Jerks and signing books—please come out and say hi if you’re in the neighborhood, or even if you’re not!]
So we’ve floored the accelerator and driven like Thelma and Louise off the cliff into the yawning chasm that is the Crazed Retail Frenzy Formerly Known As Xmas, leaving Thanksgiving and anything remotely resembling personal fiscal restraint in the rearview mirror. The doors have been busted on down and now it’s time to BUY BUY BUY anything and everything that’s on sale—even if you can’t afford it (that’s what credit is for, dammit!)—so you can have your own cushy wet spot in the annual orgy of commercial excess. Remember, your friends and family and children and co-workers and neighbors and sewing circle and postman and guy who cleans your bidet *won’t love you ever again* unless you lavish them with overpriced baubles and trinkets, so open your wallet and join the fray! Love = money, dammit!
Hey, why the hell are you even wasting time reading this?! Get the frack out there and SHOP SHOP SHOP—your god, your country and your universe demands it!!
Really, when you think of it, the pagans have gotten their revenge as it seems we’ve drifted farther from a holiday of alleged Christian purity and closer to the godless drunken indulgence that was Saturnalia, which the early fans of Jeebus tried to eradicate by replacing it with their holiday. Go pagans!
Well anyway, as my friend Joopiter likes to remind me, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” And despite all the hype, it’s become abundantly clear as the years wear on that the religious observances have become secondary at this time of year and the true importance of this season is how much we can spend. It’s the American Way, after all, and one thing (despite all the other issues) I am is a proud American. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
So it’s time for Shopocalypse, and far be it from me to stand in the way of the inevitable. As a matter of fact, I would suggest that even though it may seem that the holiday retail market is currently at its saturation point, there are more commercial opportunities than are currently being leveraged, as they like to say in those business-related meetings at work I’m never asked to attend.
Thus, in *true* holiday spirit, here are
Previously Untapped Holiday Marketing Opportunities
Santa Claus, Presented by WalMart – This seems to be a natural pairing as I’m under the impression that Santa also doesn’t really care to pay his workers top dollar for their services, preferring to offer lesser financial incentives like room and board. I mean, when was the last time you saw an elf rolling around in a tricked-out Escalade, dining on sushi at Masa or playing the roulette tables in Monaco? Ditto WalMart greeters.
Santa Claus’s Craftsman Tools Workshop – A natural fit, right? Although I always wonder how every time you see elves in the workshop, they’re always building wooden trains and generic dolls, yet on Christmas morning, kids open up Xboxes and Barbies. Magic of Santa, I suppose.
Santa’s Sprint Cup Sleigh – This one doesn’t take much to imagine: Santa’s shiny red sleigh plastered NASCAR-style with dozens of sponsor stickers, from GoDaddy.com and Budweiser to Napa Auto Parts and of course, STP, which in this case would stand for Santa’s Traveling Product-Placement.
The UPS Reindeer – When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. What can brown animals do for you?
Rudolph the Target-Nosed Reindeer – “Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, ‘Rudolph with your bulls-eye logo so bright, can you guide my sleigh tonight?'” Then how the marketeers loved him!
Yukon Jack Cornelius – A little liquid refreshment to warm the insides of you and your Bumble when you’re out prospecting for gold in the frozen north.
“Toymakers: Here Comes Hermey Boo Boo” on Discovery Channel – A way to maybe earn a little extra income with this reality-show look at life inside the workshop, including how making toys for Mr. Kringle can sometimes be like pulling teeth.
The Viagra North Pole – Uh … do I have to explain this one to you all? Okay, fine. Sometimes when a man is attracted to another person, he wants to hug them in a very special way, but that isn’t always possible because his north pole is pointing south and groinal warming is preventing it from freezing stiff, so he needs some *help* …
Cialiscanes – You know, some medicated treats for adults to suck on under the mistletoe. Oh, speaking of which …
The Herpeset Mistletoe – Because if you’re going to swap holiday spit, do it responsibly.
Frosty the Coors Snowman – Forged from the frosty goodness of the Rockies, when the snowman in the tophat turns blue, you know your beer is ready to drink!
The Flameless Candle Menorah – Oh, I haven’t forgotten about my Hebrew friends at this time of year, and neither has the retail universe as it has steadily tries to pump up Hanukkah despite it not being as important to the Jewish faith as Christmas is to Christianity. Then again, I suppose you could argue that Easter is really the defining holiday of the Christian faith and that hasn’t stopped Christmas from taking all the glory, so really Hanukkah upstaging Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah shouldn’t be all that out of line. Anyway, nothing saves lamp oil like batteries, amiright?
Exxon-Mobil Dreidels – How much difference is there really between an oil drill bit and a dreidel? They both turn, and when each stops, there is a prize to be had. Of course, dreidels generally don’t explode and destroy whole ecosystems when they do, but hey, never say never.
The Planned Parenthood Manger – Appropriate since women in out-of-wedlock pregnancies would have fewer choices for help if certain Christians had any say in the matter. (I think you know of whom I’m talking.)
iWiseMen – Why bring a kid gold, frankincense and myrrh when what any self-respecting future messiah needs is an iPad, an iPad mini or an iPhones to help him plan his ascension to glory. Saving your people? Yeah, there’s an app for that.
The Blessed Virgin Atlantic Mary – Travel woes got you down? Let divine intervention guide you to your destination this holiday season. With direct flights to most pilgrimage sites, plus much better than riding on the back of a donkey.
The LucasFilm/Disney Star (Wars) of Bethlehem – Aside from the obvious Star Wars Holiday Special tie-in and Star Wars Lego manger building sets, think of all the other opportunities with this one: Mary and Joseph riding a bantha arrive in Bethlehem, try to find a room in the Mos Eisley cantina (while the band plays in the background), and then huddle with some cuddly ewoks in the manger while giving birth. Oh, and don’t forget Jar Jar—”Mistah Joseph, mesa knowsa nothin’ about having nosa babeeee!”
And of course, then there’s the entire mind-boggling array of possible Disney marketing opportunities (worth a post of its own). I’ll just leave you with the image of Jiminy Cricket sitting on a hay bale in a manger, crooning to the Bethlehem sky, “When you wish upon a star …”
Ahh … that holiday magic!
[…] All right, I felt like I am still on a bit of a roll from the post the other day when I embraced the madness that is the holiday retail season. […]